Sometimes God Holds Back

"You need to put your affairs in order. The scope didn't go as planned and he's bleeding out. No more procedures or surgeries can fix this. Emory and Vanderbilt both said no to a transport; there aren't any options left. You have some tough conversations to have."

It's nothing short of miraculous that despite hearing one piece of bad news after another this past Saturday, a deep, unwavering peace settled over both of us. Hope was not lost. It never is. And while I am no stranger to making hard decisions, even end-of-life ones, I didn't feel in this instance that we needed to. I saw every door shut as an answer to prayer.

"Okay, Lord. Then you have to do it. My husband is in Your hands alone."

I felt such an unwavering peace and hope rise up in me that I didn't even want to tell our kids how dire the situation appeared. They didn't need fear or grief to overtake them, but I am thankful we were encouraged by several friends and Michael's pastor to do just that. It was the hardest thing we've ever had to do, but if they hadn't known the severity of the situation, they wouldn't have been able to fully grasp what the Lord did next.

By Sunday afternoon, the bleeding slowed significantly enough that Michael was able to be taken off all life support measures and was even able to get up and walk across the hall to a new room.

By Monday, he was stable enough that there were options back on the table. Oncology felt he was strong enough to start chemotherapy (he previously only had one low-dose round) even though he was still bleeding. Their hope is that the drugs shrink the tumor in his duodenum quick enough to make it stop oozing. (For those who have been following along or may be confused, the first two major bleeding sites Michael had been battling for nearly six weeks were not cancer-related and began as a rare event, but this new bleeding issue is due to a malignant mass.)

God rescued Michael from death on Saturday. There's not a doubt in my mind. After all, it was the first time bleeding had ever slowed without a procedure of any kind. (There had been nine attempts in three weeks.)

But I can't tell you that I haven't wrestled with why the Lord held back fully restoring his health in that moment. El Shaddai - God All-Powerful - is perfectly capable of reaching in and destroying every tumor, making every cell in his body work in perfect order, and stopping the bleeding once and for all.

But sometimes God holds back.

Lean Not on Your Own Understanding

"Why aren't you just waiting for God to heal dad without chemo? We know He can," our thirteen-year-old asked honestly. I agree with our son, God can absolutely heal his dad in a second and I told him that if the Lord asked us to do that, we would. We know God could have even prevented this season of suffering, uncertainty, and loss altogether. These are thoughts believers who have walked with the Lord for decades even struggle with sometimes.

And while there are many answers to these questions - for our good and His glory is the simplest one - I felt the Lord gave me another beautiful picture instead. So this is what I told him.

"You know I love you more than my own life. But my love is fallible, only our Heavenly Father's love is perfect. When I see you or one of your brothers get hurt, I rush in. I do everything in my power to fix it immediately. But God loves us enough to sometimes hold back. He gave us the best example of that when He watched His own Son be beaten, mocked, and brutally murdered on a cross. He could have stopped everything in a second. But the Father held back when it cost Him the most. He did so not because He abandoned Jesus or because He's not a good and loving Father, but because He loved us enough to allow it. He loves perfectly, and sometimes perfect love says no."

We don't always know the why, but we can truthfully sing of God's goodness and mercy in a time that doesn't always feel like goodness and mercy. His ways and thoughts are always higher. I've experienced the height and depth of the Father's love, but He loves each person in this hospital (and you, too) just as perfectly. He desperately wants them to experience this too. And because of that, He is allowing my husband to be here to share that great love. And Michael does. Every day. With joy in all things.

And that's only possible when you're abiding in the One who can sustain, strengthen, and restore.

"You're exactly where you're supposed to be," I told him on Saturday evening. I lay no blame on the team that went in that morning even though it made things worse. God had plans for Michael in the ICU so that's where he was sent. Even from a position of weakness and what could have been the most fear-filled days of his life, he ministered to the staff here, and one nurse in particular. He spent an hour encouraging her and praying with her, and she told him,

"This is my last night as an ICU nurse, and I think God sent you here just for me."

While We Wait

I wish I could tell you the prognosis was better than it was, that each day this week has been one improvement after another. But that's not the case. It's not our story right now and it's okay. We are not afraid.

The CT on Monday before Michael began treatment showed greater metastases than the scan from the week before. Whether a reaction to the pre-meds, fluids, or chemo, he is experiencing a tremendous amount of swelling. The bleeding increased again and his platelets and hemoglobin are dangerously low. His blood pressure will drop suddenly and he needs extra oxygen support. This has all kept him from being able to get up, but also makes simple movements like picking up his phone or a fork difficult.

But our trust isn't in medications, treatments, or prognosis. Our trust is in the Living God. He has shown Himself again and again. He is ever abounding in mercy. He is always faithful. We will wait on the Lord. He will renew our strength. He is the God of miracles and He loves my husband more than I do.

So how can we be afraid? We serve a Sovereign God who "is before all things, and in Him all things hold together", One who is mighty to save. He has plans and purposes beyond our understanding, but the truth of His Word and His character never changes. He can be trusted.

Even when He holds back...

Father, we surrender all to You this day. I pray against the spirit of fear and that it is not allowed to permeate anyone who loves and knows Michael. I pray they lift their eyes to Jesus, knowing in full confidence that salvation comes from You alone. That Your plans are good. And when they feel weak or unsure, help their unbelief. I pray that over all of us. I pray that, "We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." And as You say in Isaiah, "Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Do that new thing. May Your name be glorified in all the earth.